The Journal of Ashara Dayne- everything she didn’t say

When word reached the women’s council that Lady Deanna Celtigar had been seized for ransom, I did not wait for permission. I stopped asking for that a long time ago. I retrieved my sword, and passed Aleinor Penrose who had been turned away and was clearly furious about it. I left camp without a word to anyone, and caught up to the contingent without difficulty. I halted when we reached the slope of the hill that offered a good view of the scene playing out on the opposite hill, across the shallow ravine. Ned fell in beside me, and I found I held no concern that he would question my place here. 

The ransom was paid, and Lady Deanna released. This should have been the end of it, but the call to advance went up, and the lords and knights, Arthur in their number moved forward after the bandits. I looked at the frightened girl, held tight in her fathers arms, and made the more obvious decision. Ned, one of his vessels and myself escorted Lady Deanna and her father away from the sound of swords and anguish that rang out from the rise of the opposite hill. 

It took time for the rest of the party to return. When they did, Arthur looked unusually shaken in a way I have rarely seen on him. He said that he needed to speak with me. I will admit my first thought was he had seen me at the ravine, and I was about to have the mornings conversation about the lists again from a different angle. I wish that had been all it was.

Instead I learned what had truly happened after I left with Lady Deanna. The King had ordered they cut the bandits down. After the ransom was paid, and Lady Deanna returned safely, he had ordered the slaughter anyway. I could see the weight of this on Arthur’s face, and I held my tongue on what I thought of it. There were no words that could undo what had been done, nor bring any comfort to him. And so he did the only thing he could- he gave me Dawn.

It is the rightful duty of the Lord or Lady of Starfall to watch over Dawn, when not in the hands of the Sword of the Morning. My father watched over Dawn before Arthur had earned the title. I had not expected to hold it anytime soon, and had not let myself think about what it would mean if I did. It felt heavy in my hands, in a way that had nothing to do with the steel. I held Arthur’s gaze as he surrendered it to me, vowing to watch carefully over it as my duty demaned, until he felt worthy to claim it once again. And he must reclaim it, I cannot bear the weight of this too. 

My heart hurts for him. I know what this must cost him to come to this decision, and knowing does not make it easier to watch. It is another thread of House Dayne’s legacy that has come to rest with me. I will carry it as I have the rest, carefully, and without letting anyone see how much it weighs. 

The moment had been too heavy to speak of anything else, and as a result, Arthur did not hear word of my agreement to marry Ser Coutrny Penrose until later, when Prince Doran made a comment to the effects of meeting his brother in law. Another distance between us I had not intended. Before he joined the Kingsguard, he would have been the first I sought out for council on such a matter. He understood the timings of things had been difficult and I was not intentionally leaving him in the dark. He said nothing to reproach me for it, although I knew he was surprised. I saw him watching me, in the way he sometimes does, where I know he sees more than I have said, but he made no judgment on it. 
He may be the only one who knows my heart is not in this match, and I find that harder to carry than I expected. There is something lonelier about being seen clearly than about being missed entirely.