The Journal of Ashara Dayne- everything she didn’t say

What is there to say when the world stops abruptly beneath your feet, in the face of such unimaginable loss. I have feared from the moment Rhaegar vanished those months ago, that he would be the undoing of so many I cared for. The insult he had chosen to cast onto Elia, the demands he made on Arthur’s honor, the disregard he showed for Jon’s love for him. All of that was better than this. There is nothing I can do for them, nothing but bare witness to their sorrow and pain. Why has he done this? Why has he condemned so many I love to suffer for his actions? 

All I could do is be there, hold my brother’s hand as he broke apart. Make him swear not to do anything rash, and be by his side through this. Beesbury tried to pull me away from this duty, to see to the requirements my seat on that damned council demanded, but I would not be moved, not when I was needed here. 

Arthur asked me what to do. He has always seemed to think I know the answer to that question, and perhaps it has always seemed to be so. I question if it is knowing what to do, or simply being too stubborn to turn back from a path once I am on it. Still, he asked because he needed an answer, needed a guiding star to set his sights upon. Home. That was the only answer I found I could give him. Had this not been what I had always quietly wished for, and yet resented myself for wishing all the same? Had this wish ended the same way they always did? Once again giving me what I desired but at the cost of so many others happiness? The hollow feeling of failure threatened to overwhelm me, but I steeled myself as I always had. Spoke with the conviction that made so many believe I always had the answers. Home, we would return to Starfall, together, put all of this sorrow behind us. 

They came to an accord without me, I found I did not care what it was. Still, even in his grief, Arthur knew the weight of duty. At his urging, I finally relented, and left him to learn what it was these lords had decided in the wake of all this. My presence was not enough, our new Lord Regent wanted the Kingsguard present as well. With leaden feet, I returned to Arthur, he had remained unmoved by Rhaegars body. I took his hand gently, knowing that what I must ask may break him entirely. How could I ask him to leave Rhaegar even now? It felt cruel beyond measure. Another sacrifice I had to make for duty and legacy. 

Dawn. He asked me to return the blade to him. Through his grief I could see his conviction, and I found I could not question him. Perhaps it is what he needed, to hide behind duty as I oft had. I retrieved the sword from where it had remained safely amongst my things, and with all the gravity of when he had surrendered it to me, returned it to it’s rightful place.

I fear Arthur will never be as he once was, I fear that none of us will.